Her Boyfriend’s Wife

Hi Liz,

A friend of mine had been dating a guy that she met through an on-line dating service for maybe 5 months now. She was very happy because he sent her flowers and I miss you text messages and called her almost every morning. She said he was limited in the amount of time he can spend with her because his job causes him to travel a lot. Overall, he seemed like a nice guy. We have all hung out together and he really acted like she was the only woman in the room. He had been to her house on numerous occasions BUT she had never been to his. At my annual employer Christmas party I found out why.

For the past 4 years, I’ve worked for a neurological department in a hospital with 4 different locations and have only attended 2 of these gatherings. One of the ladies from the other office (someone who I speak with on the phone regularly and have seen at central meetings) introduced him to me as her husband (shocked is an understatement).They have been married for 7 years and his real name and occupation is not what my friend believed it to be.

Yes, I did tell my friend about this discovery. I even backed it up with a group picture of that night. He hasn’t answered any of her calls or messages since then and his dating profile has been deleted. My question is, should I tell his wife? 

My opinion:

You are not obligated to be the informant to his wife. If they’ve been married for 7 years she probably is aware that something has been going on. The fact that he carried on a relationship for 5 months with your friend with so much ease is indicative that he has probably cheated on his wife in the past and she could be choosing to ignore the signs. For you to approach her on the subject, especially if you both work for the same company, could create some issues with your working relationship within the department. You did your part by telling your friend. That was the absolute best thing you could have done. It was also wise of you to take pictures to accompany your story when divulging the horrible truth. Your part is done.

It may seem inhumane to keep this secret from his wife but just know that these things can get blown to unrecognizable proportions leaving you in the middle looking like the bad guy. If you feel up to that challenge then, by all means, go ahead and let her know. If you have pictures and you can send them anonymously, try that. If that’s not possible and you choose to share them with her, just know that if she is not ready to face that truth she will blame you in the long run.

That’s my opinion.

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