The Grass Looks Greener

Hey there!

Okay, here’s my dilemma. I’ve been in a relationship for the past 8 years with my boyfriend. We decided early on in the relationship that neither of us wanted to get married or have children and that has not changed but I think I am getting bored. I’m beginning to feel like this isn’t the type of relationship for me. The funny thing is I think he feels the same way.

He’s a great guy. He’s polite, respectful, has a good job and is responsible. He’s just not fun or romantic. When he tries to be romantic it seems really awkward and almost comical. I don’t really have any complaints on his performance but I wish there was more to it.

We do have friends that we go out with on occasion but I get tired of the same old routine. They always want to go to the same places. Dinner and a movie (blah).

I say he’s bored because, when we are home, we barely talk. There’s no anger; there’s just no conversation. We usually just end up going to our respective corners and doing our own thing – him with the TV and me with social media.

I see the type of relationships my friends have and sometimes I wish I could have or even do half of the things they do. I’m beginning to think that maybe we should both start considering other options when it comes to dating other people. What do you think?

Here’s my opinion:

8 years is a lot of time to spend in a relationship with someone. I’ve seen people leave their relationship for issues so much more serious than yours and so much less serious than yours. The question I think you should ask yourself is how much you really want to make this relationship work.

The number one problem that I have with what I read in your situation is that you compare your relationship to those of others. Just because it has wings doesn’t make it a butterfly and even butterflies go through a very hairy phase before they become the beauty that you see fluttering by.

You’re making a big mistake by thinking you can live the life of a neighbor or friend based on their cosmetic look. If only it were that easy to have exactly what you want placed at your feet in the blink of an eye. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Relationships require work. As you transition from one stage to the next – when one year becomes two becomes three – you still have to work to make it what you want it to be not what your friends and neighbors want it to be.

Hmmm… I wonder if you would be willing to accept this notion if you found out your boyfriend wished this relationship was more like the relationship his friends had. I wonder if you would be willing to accept being compared to someone else. Somehow, I don’t think so. I know I wouldn’t like it.

Next, instead of assuming how you think he feels, why don’t you just ask? That would be a great conversational piece to fill in the gaps of non-communication time you have. Talk about what’s bothering you and what you would like to see change. It would also be beneficial to have some ideas on what you think will work.

If, on the other hand, you are done and ready to wash your hands of this relationship, bow out gracefully. Don’t try to find fault and play the blame game. Be honest. There’s no need to waste anymore of your or his time.

That’s my opinion.

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Finding Your Purpose In A Sea Of Purposeless

As you get older you learn to appreciate the minor nuances of your childhood.  If only your most devastating problems, now, were solved with a quick trip to the toy store or a kiss to make it all better.

Then adulthood happens. You go from piggyback rides to car notes and from building sand castles to paying rent and mortgages. You go from having someone make all of your life decisions to being the sole proprietor of your fate.

Your past has a way of ejecting you into a present era of an unforeseen future, at least unforeseen by you.  For now, you probably feel like you’re surrounded by mixed molecules of emotion from different sets of people. Some that matter and some that never will. Some that speak with purpose and others who are the epitome of purposeless.

I’m with you on that. After years of moving through what I thought was beatitude with moments of gloom, the realization hit that instead I have moved through years of sorrow with the occasional glimpse of joy.

It seems that so many -too many- people have not mastered the art of self. So many people, myself included, have a profound disconnect with their purpose in life and too many others, sadly, wouldn’t be able to save their life if they had to put a name to their purpose.

Finding your purpose.

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Don’t sit around waiting in the grips of hope, grace and mercy while praying that your purpose is out there looking for you and that at any moment your doorbell will ring. You can’t think it and expect it to miraculously appear. You need to experience it, experiment with it, and try it on to make sure it’s the perfect fit.

Finding your purpose requires the knowledge of two simple mathematical processes. You have to know how to add and when to subtract. Anything that interferes with your progress or downplays the importance of your purpose has to go. Seek out those things that uplift and teach because if you’re not learning you’re not growing. You will never be able to experience the amazing things the world has to offer and you will always be imprisoned by the limitations of your mind.

How do I find my purpose? Wait… What is a purpose again?

Your purpose is your passion-even if it’s constantly evolving.

Did you get that?  I said evolving NOT changing.

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Your purpose can’t be a home designer today and a summer camp counselor/salon stylist tomorrow. You can experience those things on your journey to your purpose but once you find the one thing the really drives you, the flip-flopping ends and the evolution begins.

When you evolve, you take what you have, what you’re passionate about and what you love and you grow with it. You strategize on how to make it a bigger, better, beautiful and beneficial transformation.

caterpillars evolve into butterflies**wink wink**

How do I find it?

Step outside of your comfort zone.

Your comfort zone, while a sanctuary of rest, relaxation and comfort, can be the killer of all purposes. Your comfort zone does not contain enough oxygen to help your bravado thrive. It ensures stability but only within the rights of its own foundation. Comfort zones do not offer challenge, variation, or experience. They are mile markers that indicate you have successfully reached the end of a phase in your life. The period to your life sentence. It’s up to you to start a new paragraph.

Leave the fear behind.

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Fear is one of our many natural instincts. It is also one of those things that we can afford to turn our backs on.

To succeed, you have to stop allowing your fear of the unknown dictate how much success you will endure. When there’s something out there that you really want, go and get it.

Mistakes are lessons not failures. 

I don’t know anyone who enjoys making mistakes. Do you?  Discovering your purpose in life means changing the way you view things. Things like mistakes. I have learned that mistakes can make you better. They are the gateway to learning and growth. Yes, they may be accompanied by  bits of embarrassment and slivers of shame but those feelings don’t have to be forever. The knowledge you gain…that’s forever.

Someone else’s experience cannot define your purpose.

If it worked for them it will work for you.

The lie detector test determined that was a lie.

Likewise, if a situation did not yield the results someone else wanted, that does not mean that situation will not set a positive course of events for you. Take your time and consider the options available to you. Rationalize your situation and the direction you would like to go to succeed. Life is not eternal but it sucks big hairy balls to live the life you have according to someone elses desires. Make your decisions count.

Your circle should not move counter-clockwise from your goals.

It’s no secret that friends are an important part of your social interactive growth. Whether good or bad, there’s no better way to stop and smell the roses or hit the ground running than with those you hold near and dear.

But, but, but….

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Not all friendships were meant to support your growth and, for no reason other than the gravitational pull of life, some are just not capable of being a part of the support system you need to succeed. Other friendships, however, are toxic to your dreams and will only put in good effort to see you fail. Your life is your garden to grow what you will as you will. Don’t let weeds ruin it.

Surround yourself with people who seek elevation. Build networks with those who understand and appreciate the importance of hard work and encouragement.

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